7:07

2 °C|°F
Precipitation: 0%
Humidity: 87%
Wind: 7mph
Rain



My most memorable moment of crying was when I was around four years old.

It was suposed to be my first day in school and my mother brought me to meet my teacher. And as I was waiting for them to finish talking, I was watching the other kids playing and seemingly well oriented with each other. I felt that it was another world where I would never fit in. And so when my mother went back and told me that she had to leave me the whole day with an old, stern looking lady and with the company of kids who were more active than me, I begged her to just take me home. My mother, being the most understanding woman that I know, did not ask me any questions and immediately took me home.

I knew that my father would be less understanding. So after he found out what happened, he gave me the beating that a four year old child would never forget. I cried for hours as I nursed the traces of whips on my skin. But it sure did make me stronger. The next day, I was back in the school, a place where I felt really alone for the first time.

It is weird because memories like that are so easy to share to other people, even to strangers at this point in my life. But it is so hard to actually have the courage to say what makes me cry now at my age. When you are a child, I guess crying is more of caused by a certain form of punishment inflicted by another person or by another thing. But now, as a mature individual, most of the time, crying can be caused by self inflicted emotional pain. Whether it's because of a disappointment that we blame on ourself, an unrequited love that we tend to keep, or the pressure of trying to continuously prove one's self to other people.

It is easier to cry as a child because we know for a fact that we have someone to blame for our tears. But as an adult, sometimes in a moment of grief, there is no one else to blame but our own self. Weeping became a symbol of a defeated ego, of weakness. And we are ashamed of this fact so we choose to hide.

When you cry so hard that it hurts your throat, it is out of frustration or of knowing that no matter what you do there is nothing that can really change the situation. And when you feel like you need to cry just to get it out and release the pressure from inside, that is true pain. Weeping on the other hand is even worse. Weeping takes your whole body and when it's over, you feel like there is no bones left to hold you up.

One time I was crying and weeping at the same time. It was terrible and embarrassing. I was on the floor and was pouring all my emotions out. And I asked the universe why it was happening to me. I was a mess. But after I almost poured every tear in my system, and got dehydrated, I got up, dressed up, and went to the nearest hardware store. In 30 minutes I was back in my apartment with 5 liters of paint. And as I was starting to get busy, I realised that whatever happens, life goes on and that crying is just another expression of being human.

And I realised that while I was lying on the marble floor and looking up ahead. No I didn't see the face of God. I saw the unfinished painting on my ceiling.